Never Thought You Would
by Kitsune1978
Summary: Matsuri loved Gaara for years. He didn't love her back. She can't bear it anymore.
1. A chance to move on

I do not own characters nor places created by Kishimoto.

The story takes place a few years after Fourth Shinobi World War. Gaara is 19, Matsuri is 20.

Important note: All of my GaaMatsu stories are separate entities, not linked to each other in any way!

Pairings: Shira/Matsuri, Gaara/Sari, Gaara/Matsuri

o0o0o0o

 **Chapter 1. A chance to move on**

Matsuri braced herself for the inevitable, and entered Kazekage's office. Gaara was seated behind the desk, frowning at the document lying in front of him. When the door creaked slightly, he looked up at her for a second, and nodded to her. Then he rolled up the paper, and put it aside. Matsuri stepped up closer, and halted just in front of the desk, forcing a smile onto her lips.

"You wanted to talk to me," Gaara said. it wasn't a question.

"Yeah," Matsuri replied vaguely. "I'm—It's about—I have a request, Kazekage-sama."

Gaara winced inwardly at her using the honorific with him. True that he had never asked her not to use it. He wanted to, but there were doubts. What if she saw the truth?

"Please, go on." Gaara was really curious what could make her ask him for an official meeting.

"I'd like to... I'd like to enlist the special force in the north," Matsuri blurted out quickly, her fists clenched as if she tried to make them stop trembling. "I have written to Shira already. I asked him to train me, and he accepted my request."

Talk about being surprised. Gaara felt as if the floor vanished, and he was about to fall down, into the abyss.

"I see," he said even if he couldn't see anything.

Matsuri's face was as red as his hair. "Please accept my request, too," she added with a gulp. "I know... I know it would help me improve."

Gaara still couldn't control himself.

"I'm sorry," he uttered helplessly. "You have utterly surprised me."

Matsuri gave a nervous laugh.

"I suppose so. No one knew, only Sen. She sent my letter to Yome, and Yome gave it to Shira."

"I have to... I have to think about it," Gaara said. "In a few days I will give you my answer."

Wringing her hands, Matsuri looked as if ready to insist. She restrained herself though.

"Of course," she said with a nod. "I understand. I'll be going then. Have a nice day, Kazekage-sama."

Speechless, Gaara could only nod her goodbye. Matsuri went out, shutting the door quietly. Left alone, the Kazekage shook his head as if trying to wake up from this dream. Only, it wasn't a dream. And if it was, it was more like a nightmare.

Matsuri wanted to leave the village, simple as that. Ninjas didn't join the said force for a month or two. Shira had been there for five years. He had visited the village twice since he went there. Gaara was always happy to see him. Now the Kazekage felt anxious. Did Matsuri want to enlist to the force because of Shira? The two of them had a special bond. They were loyal to Gaara even before the whole village accepted him. They must have become close. And what if those feelings evolved into something more, and Matsuri didn't want to be away from Shira anymore?

If they did, Gaara had no right to stop her, at all.

Since the Great War ended, there were no military conflicts between great shinobi nations, only lesser animosity at times. Actually there was no point in the existence of the hidden villages any longer. The only potential danger was from wild tribes, living in the west, and small countries, that should be not underestimated. After all the Akatsuki had been formed in Ame no Kuni. But still it was highly unlikely for anyone to gain enough power to challenge the combined forces of the five villages that defeated Juubi.

If Matsuri wanted to leave Suna, there was no formal reason for denying her request. Gaara had a reason to say 'No' though. It was a nagging, smoldering pain in his heart. He was Matsuri's mentor, and maybe she considered him a friend, but it wasn't enough. Well, he tried to convince himself it was enough. I had to be enough, because there was no single soul in Suna and beyond, aware of his feelings for his only student. Matsuri was oblivious, too, to how he felt about her. Or at least what he could feel if he would allow himself to feel. Sometimes he had been acting cold towards her because it was better than rejection. And he knew that he would be rejected if he told her the truth. Although he didn't expect that he would be so disappointed, jealous, and bitter, after being asked to let her go.

Taking the deep breath, he chided himself inwardly.

"You're the Kazekage," he muttered to himself. "There's no reason to deny her request. Maybe it's for the best. Maybe it's your only chance to move on."

o0o0o0o

Matsuri couldn't stop crying. She had a headache, a runny nose, her eyes were red and puffy, and she lost her voice. Every fifteen minutes she was certain she managed to control herself until another onslaught of tears came. She couldn't remember the last time she cried so hard. She thought it was after her parents' death.

Wet, snotty, towels and tissues covered the floor. There were ugly, damp patches on the pillow, too. Matsuri was sure she was looking pathetic but it didn't help at all. All she needed to fall into despair was another look at the table. The sorrow was unbearable, and if Matsuri didn't let it out with tears, she would probably go insane.

There was a note on the table. Matsuri got the small piece of paper from Temari. The Kazekage granted Matsuri's request, allowing her to enlist the special force for six months. He wrote his former student a note.

He didn't even care as much as to tell her personally.

Matsuri has since long known they would never be the couple. The same went for Sari. The girls were meeting now and then, often mourning for their teenage dreams about handsome Kazekage. However at some point Matsuri realized the dreams were not enough. She rejected many ninjas, asking her out, for she waited for Gaara to see her as more than a friend.

It never happened though.

The only comfort for her, and in all honesty it wasn't a real comfort, was that Gaara had never been interested in any other woman. He had no female friends, either, Matsuri being the exception. The kunoichi considered it an honor but it didn't change the fact that she wanted to be more than a friend. She wished to be his woman.

Finally, Matsuri couldn't bear Gaara's indifference. She decided that only the separation could make her heart realize that she and Gaara were not meant to be. Parting of their ways was a chance. A chance to move on. But why did it hurt so much, as if her chest was being ripped open?

Matsuri didn't calm down until the nightfall. Exhausted, the kunoichi eventually drifted to sleep. In her dreams, Gaara was staring at her with his mesmerizing eyes, making her heart beat faster. And when she was all warm and ready, all he did was saying _Go north, Matsuri. Have a safe journey. We're not going to see each other for six months. Actually I don't care._

Matsuri thrashed wildly on the bed, sweaty, and quaking. In the morning, she woke up feeling sad and hopeless. She ate her breakfast, and packed her belongings. Her every move was slow, and she realized she was trying to stall.

Someone knocked on the door, and she jumped.

"Matsuri? It's me!" Sari shouted. Matsuri opened the door, letting her friend in. "What...?" Sari was shocked. "Are you going already? So soon?"

Matsuri told her earlier that she was going to leave. Sari still couldn't believe that until she saw the note.

"I didn't think you would go so soon!" Sari said sadly, her eyes watering with tears. "Matsuri, I don't want you to go!" She threw her hands around Matsuri's neck. "There will be no one I can talk to... Yukata doesn't want to talk about Gaara-sama since Mikoshi asked her out. At least not like before."

"Sari, I can't talk about him either," Matsuri admitted, feeling like crying. "I can't bear it anymore. I was afraid I would do something stupid. That's why I want to leave. Maybe my feelings will go away if I leave.

The kunoichi took her bag.

"Maybe the next time we will see each other, we will laugh at the conversation we've just had," Matsuri joked although her eyes were shining with tears.

"Maybe," Sari whispered, looking lost.

"Take the keys, please? I have a spare."

Sari took the small metal items in silence.

"I will see you to the gate," was all she said.

"No!" Matsuri yelled, making Sari blench. "No," she repeated, quieter this time. "Thank you but I want to be alone. You would only make it harder."

Sari nodded, opening her arms. Friends hugged each other until Matsuri withdrew. When the plan had formed in her head, she focused only on separating from Gaara. Apparently she forgot that leaving the village meant leaving her all friends. In her new squad there was Shira and Yome, but apart from them she didn't know anyone.

"It's nothing," she said to herself. "Years ago I hadn't known anyone in Suna, too. Maybe there is a nice young man somewhere there? Maybe he will fall in love with me?"

Even if that was the case, Matsuri was far from being enthusiastic, as she left her house, heading for the village's gate. Her heart didn't want to go north but Matsuri didn't listen to it. She suffered for so many years, dreaming about someone who didn't want her. This was her chance for new life. A chance to move on.


	2. Growing apart

**Chapter 2. Growing apart**

/5 months later/

Matsuri stared at the horizon. Just a moment ago Kuroi's silhouette finally disapeared from her view in a distance. It was his turn to go to Suna, and give the report to the Kazekage. Matsuri took the opportunity, and wrote a letter to Gaara, asking the Kazekage to permit her to stay in the border post for another six months. Not that she was absolutely sure that she wanted to stay. She still had her doubts. If she wanted she still could catch up with Kuroi, and take the letter back. She could, but she didn't move.

Her first month there had been terrible. She missed Gaara so much that sometimes she thought her legs would carry her to Suna without her knowing. She dreamed about him almost every night. At first, he had been alone in those dreams. Later, there had been women in those dreams as well, clinging to his arm, smiling to him with familiarity. A few times she had been told by her inmates that she had been crying in her sleep. Matsuri was afraid that if she started talking in her sleep, the other girls would have certainly realized what the issue was. Luckily, Matsuri had soon discovered that an intense training made those dreams go away. Each day she was so exhausted after her hard training routine that she fell flat on her bed, and went to deep dreamless sleep, sinking in the pitch black abyss.

The second month had been marginally better. Matsuri had become to know her companions better, and she got used to the place. Other ninjas, initially surprised by her never-ending activity, had stopped mocking her. Naturally they still couldn't understand why she trained so hard in the time of the world peace. They thought it was unnecessary. Only Shira never laughed, not even once. Matsuri thought that she saw his old self in her. She trained just as hard as he had trained was when he had been denied access to the Academy, years ago.

Matsuri had always thought her taijutsu skills were on the decent level but training wiht Shira proved her utterly wrong. She was shocked to discover what Shira was capable of. Even Gaara wouldn't be match for him where taijutsu was involved. It made Matsuri want to work harder, and be grateful that she chose Shira to be her teacher.

The training made her forget about her love. Finally she could admit to herself that the feeling she had for Gaara was nothing else but love. She fought not to dwell on it though. Gaara didn't want her, and that hurt. She wished she - not being able to get his love - could keep at least his friendship but it was impossible.

Her decision to leave Suna severed many bonds. She lost her old friends but got new ones, too. It didn't make the pain vanish though. The most difficult thing was that Matsuri couldn't confide in anyone. She would never admit that she fell in love with the Kazekage, and that he rejected her, albeit indirectly. Still the kunoichi had to make up some answers to repetitive questions. She always told that she had been slightly bored in Suna, and just wanted to try something new. As a result, she asked to be enlisted in the special force.

Shira and others were disbelieving, to say the least. Most of the ninjas of the force came there not because they wanted but because they had been given an order. They couldn't wait to go back to Suna, thus they found it surprising that Matsuri left the village without the second thought.

Matsuri didn't quite realize what enrolling her would entail. Because of her, one of the soldiers could go home earlier than expected. As a leader, Shira had to choose them, because the Kazekage didn't specify the name of a person who was to be relieved. Those who had to stay were grumpy even though they didn't fully show it. When Matsuri appeared, their mood changed almost instantly. She was pretty, and pretty girls were scarce specimen in the middle of nowhere. There were a few other girls in the post, all of them already involved with someone. Single men had started making advances to Matsuri, and she was embarrassed at first, not being the cynosure ever before. Gradually she began to learn how to turn them away without hurting their feelings, and she was proud of her new ability until she realized they left her be for a diferent reason.

And that reason was Shira.

o0o0o0o

Gaara never slept well. Before Shukaku had been ripped out of his body, he must have denied himself that luxury with the power of his will, simple as that. After the demon had been sealed away, Gaara realized he got so used to spending his alert nights outside of bed that he simply couldn't relax anymore. He needed sleep though, needed it badly since the infinite reserve of chakra that had previously supported his life was gone for good. For that reason, he reluctantly admitted to himself that he finally was a normal person in that regard. Sleep never came easily to him though, and that particular night wasn't an exception. He couldn't sleep a wink even if he tried, just like in the old days, and feelings stirring within him were also ghosts of his past. He was jealous, he was furious, his fingers were itching with rising urge to kill.

He told himself for the tenth time that he had no right to feel what he felt. He could still be merciless if someone or something threatened what he held dear. That was the trait that passed from old to new Gaara. Only this time there was no real threat. He'd been severely disillusioned, that's all.

He'd been waiting for Matsuri for six months but she didn't come. Instead, she sent a letter. Gaara was certain that in the next six months he would get an identical request. Matsuri wanted to stay where she was which meant she was with Shira, simple as that. The thought was unbearable, and Gaara survived through his daily routine only because he had since long trained himself in suppressing emotions. The evening brought the worst in him though, and for a time being he enjoyed images of Shira being killed in as many ways as possible. Gaara was ashamed of himself, frightened with what he thought was his old self suddenly awaking after so many years. He was too hard on himself though. His old self wouldn't hesitate to murder Shira without second thought, and make Matsuri his slave until he wouldn't get bored.

The walls of the room seemed to close around him, and the young Kazekage decided that he needed the desert. Opening the window, he applied chakra to his feet, and climbed up the adobe wall. Skipping several rooftops, he reached the cliffs, sensing ANBU guards moving around. No one showed up though, and Gaara went to the desert, where the land would calmly accept blows of his powerful ninjutsu.

Some time later, his frustration vented, he eventually had to stop. Laying on his back on the sand dune, he crossed his forearms under his red head, watching the starry sky.

Matsuri was entitled to love whomever she wanted. Gaara remembered the way she had gushed over him once, drooling and squealing. He had ignored her then, busy with more important matters. Then Matsuri grew more mature, and she hadn't squealed anymore. She respected him, and they were friends, but obviously his past was enough to make her forget his good looks and position. When it came to love, she wanted someone... normal, and Gaara couldn't blame her.

The night was relatively bright and calm, and the desert swallowed all his concerns, as usual. Gaara sifted a handful of sand through his fingers, feeling no pain inside. He was only angry at himself. He thought that his crimes were forgiven because of what he did for the village, and Matsuri's decision to choose the exile in the north proved him wrong.

Standing up, he dusted himself off absent-mindedly, and headed for the village. He wished he could keep himself busy with work to push what ate at him away. Too bad that the world peace made his free time expand. There was no reason for ninjas to exist anymore, and Gaara was sure the frustration of it would certainly make some individuals want to continue the life they knew; bring back the days filled with fighting, violence, and blood.

Getting near cliffs, Gaara noticed the small camp fire. Two guards were sitting at it, playing mahjong. The third guard was slumbering, wrapped in his desert cloak, the mound of the sand serving as a pillow. The Kazekage released his chakra, and the guards stiffened, their heads turning. They didn't see him in the darkness though. Leaving them be, he climbed up the cliff. Reaching the top, he went motionless, sensing another source of chakra somewhere near.

There was a girl sitting on the rocks. Her knees were under her chin, her long hair tousled by the night breeze. She turned her head to look at him, and Gaara wondered if he should go away in silence or ask her if everything was okay. The girl beat him to action though, hurrying to get up. Walking up to him, she spoke.

"Kazekage-sama." She bowed. "May I ask you something?"

Gaara stared at the girl until he could link her face with the name. Sari. Matsuri's friend. Annoyed, Gaara frowned. Would Matsuri never stop haunting him?

Seeing his expression, the kunoichi stepped back.

"I—I'm sorry," she said quickly. "I should know better than to inter—

"It's not you," Gaara interjected. "I'm not angry at you. What is your question?"

Sari eyed him for a minute.

"People talk that Matsuri signed up for another six months in the north. Is it... Is it confirmed?"

Gaara sighed quietly. So it was about Matsuri, after all.

"Yes, it's confirmed. I hope you realize you're not allowed to pass that information to anyone yet."

"I won't do that, Kazekage-sama," she emphasized. "I appreciate your trust, and I won't let you down."

"Good," Gaara muttered, watching the village lying beneath. At this hour only a few windows were still lit from the inside. His windows were dark too. He really should go there and rest. Only he couldn't bring himself to go back to an empty house.

"What are you doing here in the dead of the night?" he asked instead. "It's not your shift, if I'm not mistaken."

Sari gulped.

"When I can't sleep at night, I come here, thinking about..." She averted her eyes. "About someone."

"I see," Gaara said politely even though the girl with a broken heart was the last person he wanted to meet at the moment. "Good night, Sari."

"Good night, Gaara-sama," she whispered softly, watching him walk away from her.


	3. News

**Chapter 3. News**

Matsuri always liked Shira. He had earned her fondness, and sympathy, since the moment they met. At the beginning she hadn't understood why. As the time went, she realized that Shira, of all people, was the most alike to Gaara. The silver-haired ninja was quiet, calm, aloof, and tight-lipped. He smiled more often than Gaara but there was still a sadness in his smile.

When the Kazekage gave Shira chance to enter the Academy, that made Shira yearn to pay the debt someday. He was grateful, and determined to show that the Kazekage hadn't made a mistake.

Matsuri was also determined to serve their leader properly but she would have never decided to leave him. She wanted to stay by his side, and protect him with all she's got. Then Shira had enlisted in the special force, and left the village for the long time. Maybe for ever. Matsuri couldn't comprehend his decision, and she regretted that he was gone. She hoped they could be friends even if Shira had friends already. He was close to his team mates but none of them shared a unique bond with Gaara. Regarding that, both Matsuri and Shira were special.

Even though Shira and Gaara were alike, the latter was the only one holding Matsuri's heart. Shira was nice but he had never become a man to her. She could only see Gaara until she had finally realized that Gaara didn't love her, and that was never going to change. Maybe, just maybe, she could forget about the red-haired Kazekage if she fell in love with someone else. Shira had never come into the picture though. She liked him, she really did. She felt safe around him because he was understanding, and he didn't laugh at her, at her clumsiness. The way he treated her made her want to give her best. During weeks following her arrival to the northern post, Matsuri mostly spend her time with him. He trained her almost excessively, never being tired or bored. Matsuri wished she could made more friends apart from him. She attempted to befriend Yome, the former Shira's team mate, but the younger girl was keeping her distance. Matsuri had since long guessed that Yome had a crush on Shira. It was natural then that she was unreasonably jealous. It was what Matsuri initially thought.

When Matsuri got accustomed to her new environment, she had immediately noticed that many ninjas only waited for a chance to approach her. It had seemed obvious that her relationship with Shira wouldn't be so close anymore once his student had got more friends. Unfortunately, many of those promising friendships weren't meant to be. Some men approaching Matsuri wanted become more than friends to her, and she had to turn them down. But some seemed to be content with her friendship, and she spent more time with them.

At first, Matsuri didn't realize that Shira was displeased. He had never owned up to his feelings, and the signs he was giving were too subtle. His subordinates saw them but Matsuri didn't. She would have never thought that Shira considered her to be an attractive woman. On the contrary, she had been worried that he could be tired of her. She worked on developing her new friendships, determined not to rely on Shira only. That should placate Yome, at least Matsuri thought so, but the younger kunoichi was even more jealous of Shira than she was at the beginning. Matsuri hadn't understood that at all until she sprained her ankle during another training.

Shira was always careful not to hurt her. Small injuries were inevitable when ninjas were training. Shira seemed to be burdened with unnecessary guilt though, every time he made Matsuri suffer. He insisted to dress her leg even though she was perfectle able to take care of the minor injury herself.

She sat on the rock, slightly annoyed with his attitude. Shira knelt down in front of her, taking off her shoe. Holding her foot in his gentle but firm grasp, he tilted it a bit. Matsuri hissed, instinctively moving her foot back. From the corner of her eye she saw a few ninjas watching them from a distance. Shira seemed not to notice anything though. He was solely concentrated on her leg, hooking his thumbs into her knee-high, and pushing it down, past her ankle. His hands were dry and hot, his expression unreadable, even though Matsuri could sense his pulse racing wildly. He reached for the ninja medical kit, and put it by his side. Grabbing Matsuri's foot, he placed it on his thigh, examining it by palpation. Matsuri was surprised when he made a short jerking move, which sent a sharp jolt of pain through her leg. She bent her leg quickly, snatching it away from his grasp, and her skirt rode up, showing her white boy shorts.

Shira's cheeks turned slightly pink, his eyes fixed upon the spot between Matsuri's thighs. The kunoichi smoothed her skirt down, feeling embarrassed, even though Shira had seen her underwear several times during their training sessions. Only his eyes looked different now. Holding his breath, Shira glanced at his student from under his eyelashes. Their eyes met, and Matsuri's eyes widened in shock, her mouth slightly gaping at the sight of Shira's pupils dilated to the point where black nearly overcame brown. His eyes were smoldering, the primal fire in them burning with full force.

The brunette averted her gaze, and Shira did the same. They were sitting still, Matsuri with her leg bent, and Shira with his hand frozen in the air.

"I'm sorry," he murmured suddenly, gathering his pouch. A second later he got up, and went away quickly, not looking back at her.

o0o0o0o

Gaara walked with a steady pace, all his keen senses straining to ascertain there was no one around. He was impatient but he kept his speed normal. It was supposed to look like a routine visit in the greenhouse. He thought nobody would have a reason to spy on him but Kankurō had been specific. They had to be very careful.

Eventually Gaara walked close to the greenhouse. He grasped the handle, pushed the door, and went inside. The interior was hot and moist, pushing his breath back down his throat. The thick plants blocked his view, so he stood still, and waited.

Kankurō emerged from among the bushes noiselessly. Both brothers linked their gazes, Kankurō showed the way with the tilt of his head, and Gaara nodded, following him.

There was a long haired girl sitting at the workbench in the center of the greenhouse. Gaara recognized her at once. Only this time her pretty face was marred by a big bruise. The girl spotted him, and jumped to her feet, covering her cheek with a palm.

"We have to guard this place," Kankurō said in a murmur. "No one must know she's here."

Gaara nodded, and summoned his sand, its particles weaving into almost impercepible web around the greenhouse.

"Tell him everything, Sari," the puppeteer ordered. "I'll be near the door."

The girl helplessly flashed her gaze at the Kazekage. He walked up to her, and caught her wrist, gently prying her hand away from her face.

"Is that bruise a part of the story?" he asked, and Sari nodded, her breathing hitched. "Who did this?"

"Gaara-sama..." she whispered. "Gaara-sama, by your permission I will give names at the end. It is... It is very difficult for me, to betray my comrades."

Gaara frowned.

"Obviously one of those comrades hit you. Why?"

"Because I tried to talk them out of it. I didn't want—I _don't_ want to report on them. But I can't let them destroy what we've been fighting for!" She bit her lip, holding back tears.

Gaara acknowledged her doubts with a nod.

"I know you're at the crossroads. The safety of the village should be the highest priority though. I'm grateful you came to us even though it means betraying your comrades."

"Th-Thank you," Sari muttered, blushing. "It's about... an incident from two days ago. I overheard the conversation. Several ninjas from our village were talking. They were... They were irked with the lack of activity, bored by the peace. They crave for fighting. Illegal fightclubs are being established. Some puppeteers make drugs similar to Hyorōgan, only they have some additional unknown effect. There may be something else going on..."

Gaara felt an unpleasant tightening in his chest. Those were bad news.

"I've been trying to talk to one of them." Sari touched her cheek. "And this happened. They threatened me not to tell anyone about it or—" She looked away.

"Didn't your friends ask you about the bruise?" Gaara inquired to measure her loyalty.

"I covered it with a make-up. Later on I requested a training with Korobi. He struck me, and I pretended I couldn't block the hit. Everyone believe it's his fault."

Gaara pondered in silence, watching the girl. She twisted her fingers nervously, glancing around as if she expected an assault by any time. Her cheeks were still blushing, and her heart beat fast. She glimpsed at his from under her lashes, squirming and unsettled but obviously determined. Her voice trembled a bit but the short report she gave was on point.

"Sari, thank you," Gaara said slowly. "It is important to me. I'm glad I can count on you. We're going to talk again about this but first I need to talk to... certain people. We have to agree on the course of action we're going to take. In the meantime I want you to keep your eyes open."

Sari nodded, her eyes widening.

"Can you do it?" the Kazekage asked, wondering if the girl wasn't too easy to read to be a spy. "I want you to be my eyes and ears. Just watch and listen, and don't let anyone know you're doing this. I wouldn't want to endanger you unnecessarily." He put his hand on her shoulder, making his decision. He didn't plan on involving someone else at the moment. The girl had to be sufficient.

She shivered under his touch.

"We won't let them destroy what we've been fighting for," he repeated her words. Sari kept her eyes downcast, her face bright red.

"Gaara-sama, I won't fail," she whispered.

"That's good," he said in a low voice. "And now, give me names."


End file.
